How to Not be a D-bag on Halloween

Hello, readers.  In preparation for the most intoxicating, debaucherous, and hangover-inducing holiday of the year, we thought we should write a Halloween costume guide.  Note: this is a little off topic as most of our articles cover hangovers or drinking itself.  Except for the costumes and the turnout, Halloween isn’t unlike any other day of the year.  Now, onto the guide…

Dudes

Be creative and funny.  This is one of the many rare chances we have to show our creative sides.  Be right-brained for once.  You don’t have to spend a lot of money. In fact, sometimes cheaper is better. Not to toot my own horn, but here’s what I put together last year after I found out that I couldn’t find a Dark Helmet costume for under $200.

Boner Ghost

boner ghost

We’re not going to go into examples of amusing costume ideas.  That would take all the fun away, wouldn’t it?  However, we will tell you what not to do.

Don’t be a d-bag

If you’re a meathead and dress up as a UFC guy, we know that you’re just looking for an excuse to take off your shirt.  Also, dressing as a girl is no longer funny unless it’s a famous girl.

Don’t be cliché

Please, please, please don’t wear some ridiculously mainstream costume thinking that everyone is going to “get it” and you’ll be a big hit.  You’re going to look like a clone.  For example, think back to last year’s Halloween.  I must have seen at least 30 Heath Ledger Jokers and Sarah Palin’s at the club I went to.  Here’s proof!

played out costumes

Here are the predictions for 2009’s played-out costumes:

  1. Michael Jackson
  2. Dancing Baby from Beyonce’s viral video
  3. Lady Gaga
  4. Kanye “D-bag” West
  5. Chris Brown and Rhianna (combo)

On the bright side, our celebrity-attention-spans usually don’t last longer than one month.  So anything before that is probably fair game (e.g.: Brüno).

Chicks

Ladies, I can’t express in words just how happy you make us guys during this holiday.  As it is well known, Halloween is the one night of the year where a girl is allowed to dress as slutty as possible and get away with it.  Caveday is in no position to throw a wrench in this whole operation so we’re not going to comment too much, except for a few small tidbits.

Be creative

While many guys really just want to see you in a Hooters outfit, it can be just as hot to see a girl come up with something funny to wear.  Save the lingerie for the bedroom.  Take this opportunity to use your brain.  ‘Smart’ is the new ‘sexy’.

The Surprise Body

This is a term we use to describe the following situation.  There’s a conservative girl from work/school/etc whom you can tell has a bangin’ body underneath that cardigan.  Halloween rolls around and she busts out the naughty cop outfit.  Praise Allah.  Ladies, if you have a “surprise body”, please don’t go the creative route.  Guys have been waiting all year for this.

Dress with Caution

As the night continues on, your slutty costumes are definitely going to morph into sexual invitations.  Don’t be surprised if you dress as a prostitute and get your ass slapped 17 times by the d-bag dressed as a UFC guy.

Please remember that the same laws that are in place every day of the year are, in fact, still in effect on Halloween.  It is always a treat to watch some dude in a Gumby costume getting put in the back of a 5-0 for being a drunken asshole (“watch your head”) while the Victoria’s secret angel loses her shit on the curb.  Case in point: when in costume, no one feels bad for you when you get arrested ’cause that shit is funny as hell.

Happy Halloween hangover’s to all.  Refer to our extensive Hangover FAQ survival guide for tips.

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