Caveday

acronym: PABs  • noun : The feelings of uselessness, embarrassment, and general depression that accompany a hangover.  Typically linked to blackout drinking.

The topic of Post Alcohol Blues (PABs) has come up frequently in previous articles.  While vomiting, headaches, and lethargy are the prime physical characteristics of a hangover, PABs constitute the hellish mental and emotional symptoms.  Typical thoughts during PABs include: “Why does everyone hate me?”, “I’m never drinking again.”, and “What is the point of it all anyways?”  The emotional holocaust created by PABs can get to be quite ridiculous.  You may find yourself embarrassed to answer phone calls from your friends, unable to make eye contact, or crying over your cat that died in elementary school.

Historically, PABs have been downplayed in the arena of hangover misery but with unfounded justification.  Consider this fact.  Las Vegas has the highest suicide rate of any city in the world.  Do people drink in Las Vegas?  Does drinking lead to PABs?  Does PABs lead to depression and thus suicide?  We rest our case.

Until now, the explanation for PABs has been uninvestigated by the scientific public.  Being the authority on all things hungover, Caveday took the initiative, went straight to the lab, and got to the bottom of this.  What we found may be shocking to the educated, rational human being.  Using a high tech spectrometer to actually look into the brain’s molecular structure, we found that the chemical makeup of the brain takes on different forms before, during, and after drinking (please see Fig. 1 above).  As you can see, before drinking, the molecules are as normal (and boring) as possible.  Electrical charge is neither positive nor negative.  Upon the onset of drinking, the Pokemon-effect kicks in and pure happiness dominates the brain’s activity.  However, all good things come to an end.  Once drinking stops, the molecules become exhausted and depressed, accumulating a negative charge.  When we get sober, the good news is we get our feelings back, and the bad news is we get our feelings back.  Moral of the story: don’t stop drinking, ever.

Unfortunately until our souls reach nirvana, perpetually drinking is not an option.  Once the next day is upon us, the hangover kicks in and we are in high risk of contracting a case of PABs.  There are a few triggers that can induce the phenomena of PABs that we should all be aware of.

Typical Causes of PABs (in order of severity)

1. Blacking out
2. Doing dumb shit the night before, especially around people you like
3. Being this guy…
4. Jail
5. Fighting (only if you lost)
6. Vomiting (magnified if someone witnessed it)

There is no cure for PABs.  You’re just going to have to wait it out until the next day.  Severe cases can actually extend into the following hangover day.  Fear not.  Caveday research facilities are still searching for an anti-PABs remedy.  Fortunately there are methods to temporarily alleviate PABs by distracting the brain like watching funny movies and/or masturbation.

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