caveday • / kāv-dā / • noun
: A day of which activity is minimized due to the effects of a colossal hangover.
Everybody is familiar with Cavedays. You’re hungover. You hate yourself and your one-and-only plan for the day is to do everything in your power just to stay alive. Namely: nothing. It’s time that you blow off all your friends and the drunken promises you made to each other the night before (e.g.: “Dude, I’m DEFINITELY down to meet up and go deep sea fishing tomorrow!”). In actuality you’re not down, the name of the game has become survival.
The origin of Caveday dates back to the dawn of mankind. Our ancestors lived in caves to protect themselves from harsh environmental conditions and the threat of predators. Let’s apply this to a modern day scenario. Modern man faces a greater foe… the hangover. To someone with a hangover, the ice age holds no weight against the elemental nightmare known as sunlight. The velociraptor is no longer a predator. The real threat comes from, simply, people who don’t have hangovers. Productive people such as girlfriends, boyfriends, family and friends threaten us with productive activity such as “getting fresh air” and “walking.” To survive, we must resort back to the instincts of our ancestors and create our cave. Your cave is most likely a living room or a bedroom and the only other acceptable inhabitants are the members of the tribe: the group of misfits that were there slamming those jagerbombs with you the night before. Many have perished in their drunken stupor, but some remain safe by your side.
A true Caveday has the following characteristics:
- Darkness – Shut all the blinds in your house, or better yet, put blankets over all your windows. Sunlight increases the effects of a hangover. Sort of like photosynthesis. See figure 1a below.
- Stupid Movies – Stop using your brain. You know it hurts. The best way to distract your brain from productivity is to put on the dumbest fucking movie you can find. Definitely do not pick something complex, something depressing, or something you haven’t seen yet. Think “Dumb and Dumber”, not “Da Vinci Code.” My personal favorite is “Blue Crush”: hot girls, mindless dialogue, and lord knows there’s no plot.
- Food – This one is tricky. Let’s assume that you are even able to eat. Eating will need to be accomplished with the minimal amount of effort. You could order a pizza but that involves actually having to call and order it AND going to the door to get it. I suggest resurrecting the ancient law of “not-it” and making your friend/roomate do it.
This blog isn’t meant to be a guide for hangover relief. To add, there is nothing new or profound being said here. In fact, if you find any actual information in this blog, we’d be surprised.