Hangover Cures – Mythbusted (Part 2)
Thank you for tuning into part two of this saga for truth. We’ve spent some considerable time in the lab, researching and busting more hangover cures. In this episode, we visit anti-hangover pills, caffeine, and sex as potentials for hangover relief. So next time you look for a hangover helper on Suicide Sunday, remember what you’ve learned from your pals at Caveday and be sure to visit our Hangover Facts page.
You probably have seen these before at the counter of your local liquor store or 7-11, right next to the Extenze boner juice. Popular anti-hangover pills include Chaser, RU-21, Buzz, Beer Neutralizer, and Drink Ease. The approach they use to combat hangovers can be varied. Some of them are taken before experiencing a hangover and others are taken after the fact.
The first anti-hangover pills were invented by the KGB. Dude, I’m serious. You know I’m telling the truth because I used the word “dude” before I said it. Funny how that works. Anyways. I shit you not, the first hangover pill was developed for KGB agents in the USSR. The goal was to allow agents to drink as much alcohol as they pleased without getting faded. What’s the fun in that? Thank heavens that it didn’t work, however it did help with hangovers. And you thought the only good things to come out of Russia were Anna Kournikova and Tetris.
So how do these pills work? Extensive surveys show that the preventative approach (pills taken before drinking) are the most effective. These pills contain natural ingredients like calcium carbonate which attract and absorb the harmful elements present in drinks before they cause any damage.
However this is only half of the battle. Hangovers occur because of two chemical factors: toxins in the alcohol itself (congeners and sulfites, which cause headaches) AND digestive by-products that the body creates when the body breaks down alcohol. Some claim that after trying the pills, headaches are reduced but they still have upset stomachs and a potential case of shotgun-ass. This makes sense. Congeners and sulfites are headache makers (e.g.: red wine headaches) so when you remove them from the equation, you’re good to go. But this still leaves the digestive problems. Until someone solves that problem, time and hydration still remain your most effective allies.
Caffeine can be used to counteract the fatigue and malaise associated with the hangover condition. Many a drinker enjoy a coffee at their Denny’s breakfast while piecing together the puzzle of last night’s shenanigans. Others swear by the healing powers of Starbucks before work, as they probably wouldn’t be remotely functional without it. This practice however, lacks scientific support. Dehydration is the henchman of the hangover and caffeine is a diuretic, which reverses the rehydration process. So in effect, you extend the lengh of the hangover. Essentially, you’ll be a very energetic and alert asshole.
What is it about being hungover that gives you a severe case of the hornies? Sex is an excellent method for distracting the brain, disengaging the mind from the torment of post-alcohol blues (PABs). Getting your bone on will also increase blood flow and also raise serotonin levels.
Sex can be a godsend, but (I’m gonna sound like mommy here for a second) there are repercussions. I’m not just talking about pregnancy and STD’s. To double the effects of hangover depression, go have a one-night-stand after 8 Jägerbombs. If the circus has ever called you about a missing sea-donkey, you know what I’m talking about.