Hangover Cures – Mythbusted (Part 3)
Round 3. The war against bogus hangover cures concludes in this final battle. Caveday.com takes on greasy food, exercise, throwing up, and staying positive.
In every culture across the globe, greasy and fattening food have been a go-to hangover cure for thousands of years. This method for hangover liberation is popular because your appetite is so bass ackwards, that you’ll only let the most delicious food possible enter your mouth. Namely, crap. Hit up your local burger shop, Mexican hole in the wall, diner, or pizza parlor and go nuts. Some of the top picked hangover helpers include breakfast burritos, cheeseburgers, and anything from Denny’s.
Even though a triple bypass pizza sounds sounds like the right choice, it’s not. On the morning after, food isn’t going to help you absorb the alcohol. It’s too late for that. However, eating will trigger the metabolic process in the body, which will speed up the digestion of alcohol in your system. The problem with eating fattening food is that it greases the lining of your stomach and intestines, so the absorption of alcohol is slowed down significantly.
To add, you’re going to have a whole nother set of problems on your hands after you eat a greasy cheeseburger topped with a fried egg. Ass problems. Being hungover doesn’t give you toilet-immunity. You wouldn’t normally eat that junk for fear of the consequences, so why should now be any different?
Exercise – Sweating it out
The last thing you want to do after a night of drunken madness is to move, let alone go to the gym. However, there is a belief that exercise and sweating can help speed up the hangover process by helping to eliminate toxins from the body. To add, endorphins are released during exercise which can improve PABs. Lastly, blood flow increases, pumping more much needed oxygen to your traumatized brain.
Hangover recovery needs to occur in the digestive system and no amount of physical exertion will speed that along. The most beneficial thing you can do to help a hangover is to rehydrate. If you sweat, you will be losing more of the precious water that you pee’d out 10 times the night before. Thus the hangover’s duration duration is extended and likely made worse. The potential benefits of exercise are trumped by the damage caused by dehydration. Also, there could be some psychological damage done by trying to exercise when you realize you have a third of the stamina that you should and you’re clumsy as a dude in high heels.
Because of the above reasons, we nominate exercise as the most popular and least productive hangover solution.
Sometimes it just feels like the best thing to do is to barf and get all of the poison out of your system. Don’t. Its too late, the alcohol in your body is far past your stomach in the digestive track. You’d only be puking up all the water and food that you’ve somehow managed to get into your body. Avoid throwing up at all costs. Vomiting while you’re drinking is the only exception as it will make room for more alcohol.
We’re all for maintaining a positive mental attitude but sometimes you just need to be realistic. Hangovers are the worst self-induced torture humanly possible, other than masturbating with sandpaper. Respect the hangover gods for the fearful and ruthless deities that they are, and maybe, just maybe, they will bless you with mercy.