December Drinking, Holiday Hangovers
It’s no secret that the consumption of alcohol escalates during the holiday season.
This is partly due to the anticipatory air that pervades the countdown to the New Year. The neighborhood is lit with festive lights and malls are decked in a full-force holiday blitzkrieg. Companies throw office parties. Friends throw ugly sweater parties. Old friends return to town and families glutton over glorious feasts. On top of it all, there is NO WORK, unless you’re employed by a douche company, which you should quit anyways. This charged party atmosphere causes unique phenomena associated with holiday drinking:
- Mingling at parties can cause anxiety. Coming home is an unspoken litmus test to compare who has the biggest success-penis out of everyone. Holidays are annual warm-ups for the high school reunion.
- Relatives drive us crazy. Nuff said.
- Old friends lure us out to old haunts. This sparks “reunion drinking” which quite simply has no rules.
- Old competitions. Remember the game you used to play with your friends: Who can finish their 40 oz. the fastest? Well that game is still being played, except it’s played with vodkas redbulls.
- The promise of sleeping with a high school crush. Alcohol consumption increases the chances of random sex, however this theory has a limit and once you’re over that limit, good luck.
These circumstances cause unique holiday-induced stresses which lead people to turn to alcohol in massive quantities. Don’t worry. Your friends at Caveday wouldn’t send you out to the wolves without a little advice.
First, keep it cool at the company party. Have you ever heard a positive story about someones behavior at a company party? “Andrea was so well-mannered and collected at the gala this year.” Yeah, right. Everyone’s sole reason for going to the company party is just to see someone fuck up.
Secondly, watch out for DUI stops. The po-po’s come out en force on the holidays as a special holiday present to ruin your life. So don’t drink and drive. Period. We’re probably going to hell for posting this but whatever… Most checkpoints are in the same usual locations; major roads that lead to a freeway. There are no actual police checkpoints on freeways however they are loaded with quota-hungry highway patrol. There are also a lot of MADD volunteers that cruise the freeways and make reports via their cell phones. A DUI lawyer actually has a website which people post known DUI stops in Southern California: www.topgundui.com/about/dui/checkpoints. If we’re going to hell, at least this guy is first.