December Drinking, Holiday Hangovers

Christmas is here and all of the drunken debauchery that comes with it.  Eggnog and brandy, Goldschlager, spiked punch and glogg – there are endless ways to get possessed by the holiday spirit, particularly when served on ice.

Ugly Sweater Party

It’s no secret that the consumption of alcohol escalates during the holiday season.

Fact (yes, Caveday has actual information): The $49 billion distilled spirits industry makes more than 25% of its profits from Thanksgiving to the New Year. (Distilled Spirits Council of the United States)

This is partly due to the anticipatory air that pervades the countdown to the New Year.  The neighborhood is lit with festive lights and malls are decked in a full-force holiday blitzkrieg.  Companies throw office parties.  Friends throw ugly sweater parties.  Old friends return to town and families glutton over glorious feasts.  On top of it all, there is NO WORK, unless you’re employed by a douche company, which you should quit anyways. This charged party atmosphere causes unique phenomena associated with holiday drinking:

  1. Mingling at parties can cause anxiety.  Coming home is an unspoken litmus test to compare who has the biggest success-penis out of everyone.  Holidays are annual warm-ups for the high school reunion.
  2. Relatives drive us crazy.  Nuff said.
  3. Old friends lure us out to old haunts.  This sparks “reunion drinking” which quite simply has no rules.
  4. Old competitions.  Remember the game you used to play with your friends: Who can finish their 40 oz. the fastest?  Well that game is still being played, except it’s played with vodkas redbulls.
  5. The promise of sleeping with a high school crush.  Alcohol consumption increases the chances of random sex, however this theory has a limit and once you’re over that limit, good luck.

Chances of Having Sex vs Alcohol Consumption

These circumstances cause unique holiday-induced stresses which lead people to turn to alcohol in massive quantities.  Don’t worry.  Your friends at Caveday wouldn’t send you out to the wolves without a little advice.

First, keep it cool at the company party.  Have you ever heard a positive story about someones behavior at a company party?  “Andrea was so well-mannered and collected at the gala this year.”  Yeah, right.  Everyone’s sole reason for going to the company party is just to see someone fuck up.

Secondly, watch out for DUI stops.  The po-po’s come out en force on the holidays as a special holiday present to ruin your life.  So don’t drink and drive.  Period.  We’re probably going to hell for posting this but whatever… Most checkpoints are in the same usual locations; major roads that lead to a freeway.  There are no actual police checkpoints on freeways however they are loaded with quota-hungry highway patrol.  There are also a lot of MADD volunteers that cruise the freeways and make reports via their cell phones.   A DUI lawyer actually has a website which people post known DUI stops in Southern California: www.topgundui.com/about/dui/checkpoints.  If we’re going to hell, at least this guy is first.

Finally, when you get your inevitable holiday hangover, try not to get it on the day of the family get-together.  It’s embarrassing and obvious.  You won’t talk to anyone.  Being friendly is the most exhausting hangover activity other than working.  Also, you’re not able to eat.  The best food in the universe is laid out on the table and you can’t touch any of it.  Everyone knows something is up.  Take your plate somewhere discreet, pretend to eat it, dispose of the evidence, and fake food coma.  Take a nap and chalk it up for next year.  Loser.
Happy Holidays to all.  Be safe and have one for your pals at Caveday.

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