Thailand Party Survival Guide
Matt Elmore, Bangkok – Currently, I’m waiting at a train station, probably still drunk from the last few weeks of complete party mayhem. Although it might not show, I think I’ve finally cracked the code on how to properly rage and survive in this warzone of a country, Thailand. This is the third time I’ve been here and by golly, I’ve earned my blackbelt. For those who’ve traveled to Thailand, I think you’ll agree with these survival tips wholeheartedly. For those planning to go, consider this article to be your new bible.
Party Survival Tips
- Don’t Hook-up with a Ladyboy – If you see a hot, tall Thai, first assume its a lady boy. They’re tricky little buggers. Upon closer inspection, look for an adam’s apple (sometimes surgically removed), hands like Shaq, or a penis.
- Drink the Right Drinks – The cheap booze is cheap for a reason. If you’ve a beer drinker, avoid ‘Chang.’ I shit you not, you can open a bottle of Chang, turn it upside down in a glass of water, and a black sludge will pour into the glass. If you’re a boozer, don’t get the white-labeled Thai whiskey that they sell for dirt cheap at 7-11. It’s a guaranteed brain-ripping hangover maker. Get Samsong or Hong Thong instead.
- Don’t get Roofied – It’s never happened to me, but everyone knows someone whose been roofied in Thailand. Order your own drinks at the bar and pour your own drinks at home. Hollywood has glorified roofies as a fun, bonding experience (ala The Hangover). Don’t believe the hype.
- The Full Moon Party – Koh Phagnan’s party of all parties. 12 stages of various oontz-oontz electronic beats. Drinks are served by the bucket. Seriously. Plan to rage harder than Long Duck Dong in “Sixteen Candles” until sunrise. Do not try to bring your own drugs there unless they’re up your bum. There’s checkpoints on every route into the party.
- Avoid Fighting – At all costs, don’t get into a scrapper, especially with Thais. If you get into a fight, I’m already assuming you’re a major d-bag, as Thai’s are the friendliest people on the planet. But if you do, I hope you have experience fighting 10 vs 1, Chuck Norris.
- The Best Drunk Food – Hands down, the street food is the tastiest and the cheapest: bbq meats, steamy soups, noodles, kabobs, fried crickets… Hey, don’t knock it till you try it.
Hangover Recovery Tips
- Thai Massage – They’re so cheap ($4-6) that I’ll end up getting a massage whenever I don’t feel absolutely perfect. If you’re super hungover, upgrade for $4 to get a herbal soak. They use herb filled sacks to hydrate you through the skin and remove toxins. Happy endings? You’re free to choose your own adventure on that one.
- Drink Tons of Water – Bottled water from 7-11, not from the tap. Let’s just say that Montezuma is vengeful in Thailand too.
- Have a Caveday – Get a room with a TV and AC and crank that shit up. These room features are typically only about $3-5 to upgrade from a standard room, so might as well. Especially if you’re gonna be hurtin’ the next day.
- Take a Valium – About $1 from the pharmacy, and no prescription needed. Also a good anti-PABs fix.
- Smoke Weed – Do this at your own risk. Drug possession and usage in Thailand is serious shit with the fuzz. I’ve only blazed when its currently already being smoked and offered to me. Once, I got the nuts to try to buy a bag in Phuket and it turned out to be a really nice strain of… green tea. Go figure.
- Energy Drinks – Redbull was invented in Thailand, where it’s super potent and cheap too ($0.30). There’s also a drink called “Hang” which is supposed to cure hangover, but mine laughed at it.
- The Best Hangover Food – For me… I love rice porridge with green onions, cilantro, chicken and a lil bit of soy sauce. Yum. Almost every restaurant serves an “American breakfast,” which is nice if you’re in a Denny’s kind of mood.
- Donate to a Monk – The monks walk around the streets collecting alms at about 7am, so you’ll see them on the way back from the bar/club. Improve your karma and hopefully the hangover gods will have mercy on your soul.