The Walk of Shame

the walk of shame
Caitlin Reid, Los Angeles – After a night of hardcore partying there are few words more ominous, more heartbreaking, more dreaded than “Walk of Shame”. The glory of a passionate connection followed by a cuddly sleepover is almost always masked by this parade of embarrassment. You wake up in the morning and the panicked search for your underwear and dead cell phone begins, mascara burning your eyes, head pounding, nausea building; all of your normal hangover symptoms, however crippling they may be, take a backseat to the fact that you must gather what little pride you have left and march yourself home wearing the remnants of last night’s saucy outfit. Take a deep breath. Go to your happy place. Put one foot in front of the next and hold your head high, girl: this is your walk of shame.

Yes, I’m talking to you, ladies. And before you raise your manicured fists in feminist objection, lets talk this out for a minute. It is virtually impossible for a man to fall victim to the walk of shame. Think about it. Our society has pretty much painted an invisible crown on a man walking home on Sunday morning with bed head and George Clooney stubble. This man has scored, he got lucky, he’s beaming as he strolls into Dunkin’ Donuts to retrieve that coveted hangover breakfast sandwich. Pat that man on the back! Ladies on the other hand, are scrutinized and judged all the way home. We’re meant to be just that: “ladies”, who don’t wear pinching heels and an over-sized hoodie as little black dress accessories on a Sunday morning stroll. This uniform equals one thing in the eyes of the masses: SLUT. So prove me wrong if you will, but this article is a battle cry to the party-going women of the world, from a party-going woman of the world. The Walk of Shame fucking sucks. That being said, let’s talk about ways to soften the blow of this sometimes inevitable happening.

le walk of shame

First of all, come prepared. You don’t have to roll in an over-sized suitcase with the 30-rack you brought to the party, but a discrete bag packed with the essentials can make all the difference in the morning. Opt for a larger sized purse if you even THINK you might be getting jiggy with it. It might mean sacrificing a little fashion know how, but having the opportunity to brush your teeth and throw on jeans and sneakers will be immeasurably worth it. Mom always said: be prepared. Mom really means, “It’s OK Honey, we’ve all been there. Don’t forget your face wash”.

If at all possible, have a BFF on call to save the day. A quick call or text mid-party to a girlfriend with some wheels and a big heart could save you from the awful trek through the living room full of dudes playing Madden (dudes who can’t WAIT to give you piles and piles of shit). Call a sister up and have her pick your sorry ass up. Sneak out the back door and leave your troubles twisted in the sheets. Treat her to brunch on the way home and allow her to rag on you for the entire meal. This can be a great way to soften the impending blow that PABS will cause to your ego. Nothing soothes the blues like a spill-session over a greasy spoon brekkie with a good girlfriend.

If it comes down to it and you are left to your own devices without support, the best way to handle a Walk of Shame is to hold your pretty little head high and get it over with as fast as possible. Sure, the gardeners’ creepy smile may haunt your dreams for a night or two. Sure, you may not be able to make eye contact with those little kids out for a family bike ride. But in the end, you are just as awesome as that dude ahead of you in the coffee line. That shower will come, and in a matter of hours you’ll be cozy in your bed, solo, watching your favorite hangover movie, shedding shameful memories one piece of delicious hangover pizza at a time. Anyone who judges you en route is only judging themselves, remembering their own Walks of Shame and feeling grateful that you’re carrying the torch today instead of them. When next weekend’s festivities begin, you’ll be looking as hot as ever, rocking the oversized purse, feeling just a little bit wiser thanks to your stroll down the Walk of Shame.

walk of shame

To all that have walked The Walk: send in your tales of woe! We’d love to hear your Shameful Stories. As good as the best story we’ve heard is, there’s always better out there. If you left your pantyhose behind or spent 20 minutes hailing a cab in a residential area, post your story as a comment on this article. The best three stories will be featured exclusively on Caveday.

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8 Responses to “The Walk of Shame”

  • K Says:

    Can anyone say post- Halloween night, dressed in a toga (I rocked the Goddess costume that year) on the T during rush hour the next morning? In case you were wondering, all the people packed on the train trying to get to work don’t care that Halloween was the night before. They’re still judging.

  • Kasi Says:

    I always think it’s a good idea to have sunglasses in your purse, just for this type of situation.

  • StabbyCerberus Says:

    I mostly date non-locals, so I do the walk of shame so much that I doubt the neighbors take any notice of it anymore. However, the absolute worst one was the morning after halloween, when I was dressed as a pirate wench, hooked up with a pirate, ended up sleeping on the boat, then had to go home in the morning, still wearing my costume. Oh, the shame.

  • Is it racist if it's true? Says:

    Just saw a Top 5 walk of shame on Saturday after thanksgiving. Girl was getting out of an elevator on her way out of the Venetian.

    Why was it Top 5 material?
    1. a) stain on the back of her dress looked like some bodily juice that was squirted. Location / size matched what could only be assumed to be male juice.

    1. b) I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know there is a stain on her dress. It didn’t even look like she tried to wash it out.

    2. Was walking barefoot because the heel on her heels was broken.

    3. It was 1pm on Saturday after Thanksgiving

    4. Her phone was out of batteries – I saw her ask the security guy at the elevator lobby if he knew where she could buy a phone charger & plug it in

    5. She puked in a trash can right outside of the elevator lobby.

  • Caveday Says:

    Ummm, ya. That qualifies!

  • CSM Says:

    After St Patrick’s Day, walking into town hungover. With a St Patrick’s Day hat, green t-shirt too! Yep, one of the ‘walks’ I’ve done.

  • Em Says:

    Walking home after a fancy dress freshers ball, only to be so focused by getting back to my room before anyone noticed, that I nearly got run over by a dustbin man lorry that screeched its breaks just inches away, beeping just so everyone could see me in my fairy costume from the night before!

  • CRM Says:

    I ended up at a house that a bunch of people were staying at during a 2-day concert. It was actually a guys parent’s house (they were there too). In the morning I went upstairs to hopefully figure out a way back to my car, instead I got all the guys that stayed there smirking and telling me how loud we were, and that everyone in the house knew exactly what had happened, including the parents! I guess we had gotten busy way before everyone went to bed! I didn’t know anyone else there (except the guy I was with), and I was in a different town so I couldn’t call anyone to come pick me up. So hungover me, had to stay until all the other girls were all showered and ready to go back to the concert. I even helped the mom make breakfast for everyone. Yes, even the mom and dad were making fun of us! How embarassing!! I just wanted to get back to my car as soon as possible!

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