Top 15 High School Drinks
In this article we regress from our hunt for the best hangover cure and instead pay homage to the drinks that made us the people we are today. Think back to your first sip of alcohol. High school drinking was a delicate balance between “wanting to rage” and “projectile vomiting.” This interesting intersection allowed for some creative and simply nostalgic alcoholic beverages to surface. From the respectable 40oz of Old E to the mysterious allure of Jungle Juice, we revisit our founding fathers and pay our respects.
15. Zima – 7-up meets alcohol. This short-lived intoxicator was only on the scene for a few years. It’s tasty clear fluid (that’s what she said) was a favorite for girls, but just a little too gay for boys.
14. Pucker – Nobody knows whether Pucker is supposed to be a mixer or what, but it’s almost always drunk straight from the bottle. It’s strong sugary flavors make it tasty (“omg! It like doesn’t taste like ah-ka-hawl!”) but will ultimately end you up with a restless sleep and brain splitting hangover.
13. Southern Comfort aka SoCo – Orange flavored whiskey. Fits nicely in your pocket, making for easy access into school dances, detention, and sober grad night. My first blackout was from SoCo. Go me.
12. 99 Bananas – 99 proof banana-flavored liquor. Everyone likes it at first until their first throw up off it, which is inevitable. After that, you’ll never touch it again. Same goes for Goldschläger and usually Jägermeister.
11. Mike’s Hard Lemonade – Refreshing on a hot day and enjoyable until your first ulcer. Mike’s Hard Lemonade is the number 1 enabler of teenage virginity loss.
10. Boone’s Strawberry Hill – A great entry-level drink, especially for the ladies. Packed with at least 70 grams of sugar per sip, Boone’s sweet taste is friendly to even the most untrained gag reflexes. Also, the hot pink color of your vomit makes for some interesting palates, and maybe even some chain-reaction puking.
9. Miller High Life – “The Champagne of Beers.” That’s their slogan. No seriously, I didn’t make it up.
8. Keystone Ice – The is arguably the best bang for the buck. A favorite among budget drinkers. Grab your fake ID, head to the liquor store and pick up a 18′er of Keystone Ice for less than $10. These little babies pack a punch.
7. St. Ides Special Brew – Pure genius. St. Ides was the first company to mix malt liquor with flavor, making it a hit for the youngsters. The most popular flavor being “Mixed Fruit.” Their commercials were rap videos and featured 2Pac, Biggie, Warren G, Snoop, Dre, and Cypress Hill. This brilliant marketing campaign elevated St. Ides Special Brew to be a must-have for any token white guy.
6. Franzia – Wine in a box. Franzia is a surefire way to get a hangover. Not a little one either. The kind that makes you swear off drinking… until next weekend. A little known fact: the phrase “Get him a body bag” was originally Franzia’s slogan before they sold the rights to Tommy from the Cobra Kai.
5. Jungle Juice – Freestyle drinking at its best. There is no set recipe for jungle juice. Find a container, pour in some kind of mixer, vodka, rum, ice, and maybe some fruit if you want to be classy. The nastiest part is the format in which jungle juice is served. Usually you fill up an ice chest with the concoction but I’ve even seen trash cans used. To top it off, to get your serving of jungle juice, you simply take your red solo cup and dunk it in, with your hand and everything. We’re lucky we didn’t bring back the black plague.
4. The Parents Liquor Cabinet – We all did it, and we all got busted. In a fiending situation, you’d turn to the liquor cabinet and steal whatever you could. Back then, in your opinion, your parents drank the nastiest shit, but you didn’t care. Thinking you’d get away with it, you’d fill it up with water, thinking you’re SOOOOO clever and two weeks later you’re grounded. Good work.
3. The 40 oz – Caveday studies show that 71% of people start with a 40oz as their first drunk excursion. This delicious cylinder of malt liquor will make you feel tough as hell and get you faded at the same time. And who doesn’t love a nice friendly game of Edward 40 Hands? Typically, there are two camps of 40oz drinkers: the Mickeys Camp and the Old E camp. Which camp are you?
2. Carlo Rossi Rhine – A 4-liter jug of pure happiness. The format of this wine (is it wine?) makes for some creative improvisation. Examples include the over-the-shoulder chug and the boar pour (an instantaneous 180 degree flip of the jug that ends up mostly on the floor). Something about Carlo Rossi wine makes for a sneaky, alert, and crafty drunkenness. A solid amount of my mischief can be attributed to Mr. Rossi.
1. The Keg – The king of party drinks. A keg of beer was a sign of status, mostly because it was a logistical nightmare to get one. They’re big and awkward, making them hard to transport. Then there’s the tap. First you have to find someone that already has one, because no one has the money to put down the deposit. Secondly, they’re always broken! But once everything is set, its game time. Someone quickly fills the roll of “keg master” and dictates the flow of the drinking. Hot chicks and friends first. Special exceptions for anyone with the balls to do a keg stand.
Tune in next time as Caveday resumes the quest for the best hangover cure.